Counter Surfers Unlimited
Whoever said "LET SLEEPING DOGS LIE"
didn't sleep with dogs.
The first thing you discover when you bring a dog onto your bed is the striking
difference in weight between an alert, awake dog and a dog at rest.
Rule Number One:
The deeper the sleep the heavier the dog. Most people who sleep with dogs
develop spinal deformities rather than rent the heavy equipment necessary to
move their snoring canines to a more appropriate part of the bed. Cunning
canines steal precious space in tiny increments until they have achieved the
center position on the bed -- with all covers carefully tucked under them
for safekeeping. The stretch and roll method is very effective in gaining
territory. Less subtle tactics are sometimes preferred. A jealous dog can
worm his way between a sleeping couple and, with the proper spring action from
all four legs, shove a sleeping human to the floor.
Rule Number Two:
Dogs possess superhuman strength while on a bed. As you cling to the edge of the
bed, wishing you had covers, your sweet pup begins snore at a volume you would
not have thought possible. Once that happens your bed becomes a
battlefield and playground of canine fantasy.
It starts out with a bit of "sleep running," lots of eye movement and then
suddenly, a shrieking howl blasted through the night like a banshee wail.
The horror of this wake-up call haunts you for years. It's particularly
devastating when your pup insists on sleeping curled around your head like a
demented Daniel Boone cap.
Rule Number Three:
The deeper the sleep, the louder the dog. The night creeps on and you fall
asleep in the 3 inches of bed not claimed by a dog.
The dog dreams quiet slightly and the heap of dog flesh sleeps--breathing
heavily and passing wind. Then, too soon, it's dawn and the heap stirs.
Each dog has a distinctive and unpleasant method of waking the pack. One may
position itself centimeters from a face and stare until you wake. The
clever dog obtains excellent results by simply sneezing on your face, or they
could romp all over your sleeping bodies -- or the ever-loving insertion of a
tongue in an unsuspecting ear.
Rule Number Four:
When the dog wakes -- you wake. So, why do we put up with this? There's no sane
reason. Perhaps it's just that we're a pack and a pack heaps together at night
-- safe, contented, heavy and loud.
...Author unknown
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